Attack of the Mary Sue
by labmeister
Summary: There is a Mary Sue afoot, and she's charmed everyone. Well, almost everyone. One blue jay has noticed how ridiculously boring this new arrival is. Can Mordecai stop this Sue from dominating the park, and the show? Will he be able to show his friends just how bland this Sue is?
1. Just a Joyride

Mordecai and Rigby slept peacefully, their minds in perfect equanimity. The windows lining up on either side of the wall were shut, the mellow shades of emerald drapery filtering the bright, vibrant light of the sun. The room was a symphony of mellifluous noise: Mordecai's gentle snoring, the soft, ever-present hum of the ceiling fan, Rigby's breaths pressing against the fabric of his trampoline, serenely stretching the elastic fabric.

The beauteous scene was indicative how important the simple pleasures in life were, how even such a boring, every-day occurrence could be magnificent. Only nature is capable of creating such a peaceful, undisturbed, unadulterated setting of seren-BEEP BEEP BEEP!

"Ugh!" Mordecai and Rigby groaned simultaneously. The alarm yelped again.

"Please, make it stop!" Said a groggy, and also rather grumpy, Rigby. The alarm continued to screech, unmoved by the jay's pleading. It was unmoved because it's a clock. Clocks don't get moved. Because they're clocks.

"Can you turn it off, dude?" Asked Mordecai, more talking into his pillow then to his furry friend.

"Why do I have to?" Whined Rigby.

"You're closer man!" The blue jay exclaimed.

"I'm not touching it!" The raccoon turned over on his bed, facing away from the blue jay defiantly.

"Ugh. Fine. It'll probably stop...eventually." Mordecai plucked his pillow out from under him, shoving it over his head in an attempt to block out the noise. Quietly he whispered to himself, "Why is it even on? It's our day off..."

The alarm was relentless. It continually rung without pause. It was loud, obnoxious, and refused to shut up when Rigby told it to. He told it to a lot. Which was stupid. It couldn't hear him...it was an alarm clock...which don't have ears...usually.

Mordecai managed to fall back to sleep, while Rigby just sat wide-eyed as the clock continued singing the song of its people. The raccoon was stuck in a perpetual state of torture, unable to sleep due to the alarm, but unable to turn it off because he's a lazy groundskeeper who wants to sleep on his day off.

After an hour of the alarm's screeching, or rather, what Rigby perceived as an hour, the mammal finally relented and lifted himself from the trampoline, trotted over to the alarm, and stomped on it. This accomplished two things. One, the electronic clock was crushed, and two, he stubbed his toe.

Rigby reeled back, gripping the appendage with both hands, his eyes watering from the blow. It probably would've been hilarious to see, but instead you get to read about it. You might have exhaled a little bit of air from your nose, which is like the internet equivalent of a chuckle, or you might have just read the line and instantly forgot what it said. I wrote the line and I already forgot what it said.

Anyways, Rigby, for once in his life, decided to be considerate of his friend and go outside the room to scream in agony. I mean that's what he decided to do, but it didn't work out. He ended up just putting his foot on the ground, groaning in pain, then tripping over a really inconveniently placed rock. Like, really, really inconvenient. The thing was just sitting in the middle of the room. That was probably Rigby's fault though. Most of the stuff that happens is.

Mordecai still didn't wake up, though, instead just rolling over in his sleep. Rigby, having decided that he didn't want to be considerate, and would rather have someone notice he was in pain and sympathize with him, groaned louder. Mordecai rolled back over.

Rigby, who's bad mood was only worsened by a horrible morning, crawled over to his friend. He lifted his fist and hit his friend in the arm. Mordecai itched the spot his friend had hit then snored loudly.

Rigby instantly turned to his last resort. He only had like 2 plans to start with, though. So I guess last resort is kinda dramatic sounding. Okay, so Rigby turned to his second resort. It was an unthinkable act that pains me, the narrator, to describe. He crawled to the windows and pulled the curtains away.

The torturous (and bright) Sun gazed upon the sleeping Mordecai, deciding it was going to redirect all of it's light onto his face, specifically his eyelids...because the Sun is kind of a dick like that.

Mordecai twitched, his eyelids opening after they could no longer handle the directness of the Sun's heat. He squinted against the light, lifting his arm up to cover his eyes. tried to reposition himself so that the rays of light didn't hit his face, but no matter how he moved the light still shone on his face...because the Sun is kind of a dick like that.

The blue jay threw the covers off of him, sitting up and placing his feet on the ground. He groaned as he stretched his arms behind him. Rigby still sat on the floor, clutching his toe. He coughed, trying to garner his friend's attention.

Mordecai turned his head at the sound, noticing Rigby on the ground. "What's up?"

"What's up," Rigby repeated the question, sounding irritated.

The jay lazily rubbed his eyes. He had just awoken and his brain wasn't able to identify Rigby's angered tone. "Yeah man, what's up?" Mordecai yawned loudly, which woke him up a little.

"I HURT MY FOOT!" Rigby yelled, jumping slightly as he did so.

Mordecai flinched at his friend's outburst, the sudden loudness taking him by surprise. It only took him a second to recover and respond. "Wait, what? How did you do that?"

"I turned off the alarm clock."

"Okay, but how did you hurt your foot?"

"..."

"You kicked the alarm clock, didn't you?"

Rigby remained silent for a moment, before finally mumbling, "Yes." Rigby casted his eyes downwards.

The room was silent. Mordecai had not responded for some time. Rigby drew his eyes upwards to look at his friend. What he saw...was not shocking at all.

Mordecai was covering his mouth with his arm, repressing chuckles as is eyes teared up. Finally he couldn't take it anymore and began laughing. "Hah, hah, hah, hah!"

Rigby shot him a dirty look. "Hey! STOP LAUGHING!"

Mordecai ignored the raccoon, instead opting to laugh louder.

Rigby became more irritated, getting up from the floor (and conveniently forgetting his "injury") to yell more. "IT'S NOT FUNNY!"

The blue jay stopped laughing to glance at his friend, who appeared angry and slightly hurt. He almost sympathized with Rigby. Then he started laughing again. "Dude, it's hilarious!"

"NO IT'S NOT! IT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE!" Rigby bellowed.

Mordecai's laughs died off to a snicker before he said, "Yeah, but most people only make those mistakes once. This is like the fourth day in a row you've hurt your foot on the alarm, dude!" He laughed again.

Rigby turned away, grumbling. He didn't have a rebuttal for Mordecai's comment, because this was actually the fifth time he kicked the alarm. To be completely fair though, those alarm clocks are misleading little jerks. They look like they're made of some sort of polyethylene based material, but it's actually metal. A soft metal for sure, but a metal nonetheless. Also Rigby is a really weak dude. And kind of stupid. So that probably contributed a lot to the toe stubbing.

After Mordecai's chuckles died out he looked to the pouting raccoon. "Come on, man, let's go get some coffee." He got up, tapping his friend to come along.

"Fine," he grumbled angrily. He allowed himself to be led on by the larger bird, but refused to turn his head towards him.

The duo walked down the stairs, exited the house, and stopped at the cart.

Mordecai's eyes widened as they fell upon the cart. "Woah."

Rigby turned to look at the cart, knowing exactly what had surprised Mordecai.

The cart was a mess. The roof was dented, the metal bars supporting the roof were bent out of shape, the small lights had somehow been shattered, and the leather on the passenger side seat had been torn to shreds.

The blue jay's jaw was still gaping. "What even happened...I mean holy sh-"

"Yeah, my bad man," interrupted Rigby.

Mordecai turned to his friend, horrified. "Rigby. What did you do?"

The raccoon rubbed the side of his arm nervously, looking away from the destroyed vehicle. "I may have taken it out for a joyride last night."

" A joyride! You wrecked it! It's completely ruined!" Shouted Mordecai.

"Hey, chill out! It still runs!" Rigby retorted defensively.

Mordecai was about to reply when a new thought entered his mind. "How are you not hurt!?"

"I jumped out before it went over the cliff." The raccoon responded casually.

"..." There was a prolonged silence between the duo, Rigby standing in place with his arms crossed defiantly, and Mordecai staring at his furry friend in disbelief and anger. "You drove the cart...off a cliff?" The blue jay whispered, his voice dangerously low.

"The sun was in my eyes."

"IT WAS NIGHT!"

"THE MOON WAS IN MY EYES!"

Mordecai facepalmed, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Why were you even near a cliff, man?"

"The bluffs seemed like a cool place to do some extreme carting." Rigby said.

Mordecai facepalmed again. This time, however, he moved his digits so that he could still see Rigby. "Was it cool," He asked quietly.

Rigby grinned. "You should have seen some of the stuff I was doing! It was so awesome! Well, until I hit a speed bump and went off the cliff."

Mordecai looked at the vehicle again. "And you just left it out here in front of the house, where Benson could've seen it?"

"Pffh, it's our day off. Benson doesn't want to see us anymore than he has too." The raccoon shrugged his shoulders.

"Yeah, I guess. But how are we supposed to fix this thing?"

Rigby looked at it. "I dunno. Now let's go get some coffee." The raccoon scurried to the cart and jumped onto the ripped passenger's seat. He looked back to see Mordecai still standing there. "Come on, man, let's go!"

Mordecai looked apprehensively at the vehicle. "Does that thing even run now?"

Rigby rolled his eyes at the question. "Of course it does, how do you think I got back here? Now, come on."

Mordecai sighed and walked to the cart sitting in front of the wheel. "Oh crap, I forgot the keys." He tried to get up before Rigby stopped him.

"Nah, I left them in the ignition."

Mordecai looked at him again. "You just left the keys in here?"

Rigby nodded. "I turned on the headlights too."

Mordecai sat there, an vexed look on his face. "So first you went for joyride, without waking me up to come with you. Then you crashed the cart, because 'the moon was in your eyes.' You drove the cart back here, and parked it in front of the opened garage where literally everyone can see it, then to top it off you left the keys in the ignition. Oh, and you turned the headlights for no reason. Am I missing anything?"

Rigby shook his head. "Nope."

The blue jay stared at the raccoon and vice versa. Finally, Mordecai groaned. "Whatever, I'm tired. Let's just get some coffee." He started the vehicle, pulled out of the driving path, and drove on an irregular path.

The duo managed to get the vehicle out of the park without being detected by Benson. The cart sputtered as it ran, small puffs of smoke rising from the engine. Rigby was bored. His chin rested on his palm as he looked at the town.

He looked to the blue jay, who appeared surprisingly calm considering how he normally reacted to these situations. "Hey man, it's not very cool of me to leave it like this and I feel bad about all this."

Mordecai looked over to his friend, his eyebrow raising. "Wait, are you apologizing?"

"Uh, yeah." Rigby said.

"Huh." Mordecai sounded.

"What?" The raccoon asked.

Mordecai, without taking his eyes off the road, said, "I dunno. You just don't apologize a lot. So to here you say it over the cart is weird. Usually when you screw up you don't-"

"I wasn't talking about the cart, dude." Rigby interrupted. "I was saying sorry for not bringing you along."

Mordecai rolled his eyes. "Whatever, dude."

"If I had gotten you up, you would have been the driver. I just really wanted to drive. Since, you know, you _Always _drive." Rigby emphasized the word "always," rolling his head back as he said it.

"Hey, Rigby?"

"Yeah?"

"Is it cool if you don't drive...like, ever again?" Mordecai smiled.


	2. Jennifer Jasmine Opal Snapdragon

Mordecai parked the cart in front of the coffee shop. A few people stared at Rigby and Mordecai's transportation, raising eyebrows at its condition, but ultimately said nothing. People do that a lot. Because silent appraisals and judgements are nicer than loud, long-winded ones.

They pushed the door to the shop open, the small dinging of the bell signifying their entrance to the staff of the establishment. The staff is just Eileen, because logic.

Anyways, Eileen spotted them instantly, asking what they wanted before they even found their seats. Mordecai and Rigby both answered, "The usual."

The duo walked to their normal spot, only to notice a new girl sitting where they both sat. Yeah, she took up two seats. Not because she is just that huge, but because she's just that important. She is so central to the universe that is this story that she takes up two seats, always.

Mordecai, after noticing the girl, started to walk to a different area. Rigby grabbed his arm to stop him.

"No, man, we can't just let her take our spot." Rigby was staring at the girl. Somehow she hadn't noticed though. Even though they were only like five feet away.

"Dude, does it matter? We can sit there some other time." Mordecai replied. He shook Rigby's hand off.

Rigby grabbed his arm, again. "Yeah, it matters! What if she's here forever and thinks that she can sit there without any repercussions? We'll never get our seats then!"

Mordecai rolled his eyes. "Chill out, dude, they're just seats."

Under his breath the raccoon whispered, "The best seats." Rigby stormed off towards the table, which again, was like five feet away.

Mordecai just looked at his friend, vexed, irritated, and displeased. In short, he was annoyed. It would've been faster to say he was annoyed, but making a list of synonyms was cooler. It didn't accomplish anything, but it was cooler.

Rigby stopped in front of the table with his arms crossed. "Excuse me." He stared up at the girl, his mouth drawn into a frown.

The girl looked up from whatever she was doing, and looked up at Rigby. Well, she actually looked down. Rigby is short...shorter than the stool the girl sat on. So she looked down on him.

"Hi." She smiled. Mordecai averted his eyes, knowing his friend was probably about to say something that would deeply offend the young girl. And then something supernatural would happen, then, once again, Mordecai and Rigby would be screwed.

Rigby frown lessened at the sight of her innocent smile. "Uh, me and my friend usually sit here, and you're kind of..." He trailed off, coughing for no reason. Mordecai raised his eyebrows. It was unlike his friend to be unable to articulate a way to oust himself from someone's good graces.

"I am? Oh, shoot my mistake. Had I known anyone sat here I would've picked another table." She laughed embarrassingly, blushing.

Rigby smiled too, and laughed. Mordecai just stared. His friend was acting...strange.

She got up from the stool, gathering up her many belongings, which shall not be described in great detail. Just know that there were many of them. Some were sparkly and pretty, others were rosy and cute, and some were satanic devices used to call forth hell spawn that ripped through their adversaries with pride and great gusto.

She made as if to walk away, but Mordecai decided he might as well be polite. "Hey, you can still sit with us, if you want." The blue jay instantly regretted that. She had just been forced to get up...and now he had offered her a place the same exact table, except on the opposite side...sitting across from complete strangers. It could have been misconstrued a little.

She smiled and giggled. "Sounds great!" She plopped herself down on the opposite side of the table, spreading her belongings over it again. Once again, she took up two stools.

Mordecai sat in his normal seat, with Rigby crawling up next to him. "I'm Mordecai, and this is Rigby. So, what's your name?" Mordecai asked the girl.

"Jennifer Jasmine Opal Snapdragon!" She replied, a bit too cheerfully.

Mordecai covered his mouth to keep from laughing. It was a completely ridiculous name, one only a bad author with a hangover on a Monday would come up with.

"Yeah, cool." Rigby was surprisingly calm. The odd name hadn't even phased him. Mordecai eyed his friend for a moment, wondering if he was feeling alright. Then he dismissed thought, deciding Rigby was just being polite.

Mordecai looked at the girl over. She had kaleidoscope eyes, black hair, darkened skin, and she wore a purple dress. The only thing that stood out to the jay was how many frills the dress actually had. It was insanely decorative.

Mordecai was about to ask her where she got such a tacky thing, excluding the tacky part, but Rigby beat him to it.

"Where did you get that stupendous dress?" Rigby asked.

Mordecai stared at his friend, his eyebrows raised. He didn't know his roommate knew the word 'stupendous,' let alone how to use it in a sentence.

The girl looked down at her dress. "This old thing? I've had it a long time, since I was just a kid. I wear it on occasion." She was needlessly cheerful when answering the question.

Mordecai looked at her. "So there isn't any real reason you're wearing that thing?"

"I wear it to remind myself of my tragic backstory. My parent were killed and tortured by cultists when I was a baby. They tried to sacrifice me too, but my innate abilities saved me. I will remember this, always..." She seemed didn't react too much to her own story.

A tear formed in Rigby's eye as well. "I'm so sorry about your family. Is there anything I can do?"

Mordecai's suspension of disbelief has been shattered. He had never, not once, known his friend to so readily accept a person, or be particularly good at sympathizing with them. This wasn't just strange, it was out of character.

Mordecai coughed and looked at the girl. "Uh, yeah, sorry about that." Inwardly he was just wondering why this girl shared a deep, personal secret with two complete strangers. And why she did it so spontaneously...and why she didn't seem horribly upset.

Eileen walked over with their orders at that moment. "Hey guys." She said to Mordecai and Rigby as she placed the mugs of coffee down onto the table. She turned to the girl with a smile. "Hi, who are you?"

The girl energetically replied, "I'm Jennifer Jasmine Opal Snapdragon!" She flipped her hair and said, "But you can call me Jennifer for short."

Both Rigby and Eileen laughed when she said that, which only served to confuse Mordecai. Since this is the beginning of this story, Mordecai has no idea why his friends

are laughing at something that was A) not funny, and B) not a joke.

Eileen asked, "So what brings you to town Jennifer?"

Jennifer Jasmine Opal Snapdragon replied, "I just got a job as a groundskeeper at this town's local park."

"Hey Rigby, isn't that where you and Mordecai work?" Asked Eileen.

Rigby's eyes widened. "Hey it is! Awesome, we're going to be working together!"

Jennifer Jasmine Opal Snapdragon replied, "Wow! What a surprise! This should be fun!"

Mordecai looked at her, a bit suspicious. Was it possible he or Rigby were being replaced? "You're working as a groundskeeper at our park? Who hired you?"

Jennifer Jasmine Opal Snapdragon replied, "This guy named Benson."

Mordecai eyes widened. "Wait, Benson? The gum ball machine- the angry, yelling gum ball machine _hired you_ to be a groundskeeper? Like, no trial period or anything?" He asked incredulously.

Jennifer Jasmine Opal Snapdragon smiled, ignoring his tone. "Yup! We met in Seattle last week. He said he liked my personality and asked if I needed a job!"

Rigby elbowed his friend and whispered, "Yeah, lay off, dude."

Mordecai gulped nervously. "Did he say who you'll be working with?"

Jennifer Jasmine Opal Snapdragon replied, "Yeah, she said I'd be working with these two dudes...which I guess are you and Rigby!"

Mordecai sighed, relieved that he and his friend's jobs were safe. "When do you start?"

"Tomorrow," Jennifer Jasmine Opal Snapdragon said. "I bet it'll be fun!"

Everyone present laughed, except Mordecai, who didn't understand why they were laughing.

Jennifer Whatever Whatever Whatever said, "I have to get going now, my landlord needs to talk to me." She got up from her stool, gathered her items, and ran out the door, the jingling bell announcing her exit.

"What an amazing girl," Said Eileen and Rigby, Simultaneously. There eyes followed her as she ran down the road, until finally they couldn't see her anymore. Eileen walked away, leaving Rigby and Mordecai alone.

Mordecai just sat at the stool, confused by his friends' reaction to the girl's exit. "Uh, Rigby, are you alright?"

The raccoon looked to his friend. "Yeah, why?"

"You were acting kind of weird back there." Mordecai said.

"Back where?" Asked Rigby.

"Back when we talking to that chick."

Rigby just looked at him, confusion evident on his features. "What do you mean?"

"Her name was Jennifer Jasmine Snapdragon, dude."

"Sooo?" Rigby asked, still not getting it. And this time he's not getting it because of Sue logic, not because he's stupid. Not everything is about his intelligence, guys, so just calm down. Sip your beverage and continue reading.

"You didn't even chuckle when she said it." The blue jay was amazed at his friend.

Rigby crossed his arms and frowned. "Why would I?"

"It's kind of a dumb name." Mordecai replied.

"No, it's not!" Rigby argued. "And it's not Jennifer Jasmine Snapdragon, it's Jennifer Jasmine Opal Snapdragon." He corrected.

"Dude, that makes it even dumber." Said Mordecai flatly.

Rigby huffed. "You're just jealous."

Mordecai raised his eyebrows. "Say what now?"

Rigby repeated, "You're just jealous!"

Mordecai rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Why would I be jealous of Raspberry Jennifer Dopal Captain'Draggin?"

Rigby huffed...again. "Because you know you'll never be as cool as her, or have as much personality!"

Mordecai was about to respond to the comment on personality, when a question came to mind. "Wait, wait. How is she cool?"

Rigby just looked at him. "It's brave of her to live despite her tragic past."

Mordecai stared at his friend. "I...what? Since when do you say 'despite?'"

The raccoon ignored the question. "Don't change the subject!" He snapped. You aren't even giving her a chance, man! You should at least give her a chance...she's going to be working with us after all."

Mordecai bit his lip. "That's another thing. Don't you find it weird that Benson just hired her? Like, just out of the blue. Benson doesn't just do that."

"That's how we got hired." Rigby said.

"No, Pops hired us. Benson's usually more careful about that kind of stuff. She doesn't even have to go through a trial period."

Rigby's brow furrowed. "It's a groundskeeper job at a park. It's not really difficult."

"I guess, but I still think there's just something off about her, man." Mordecai said, as he sipped his coffee.


	3. What-o-meter

**Authors Note: I'm also going to throw in another trope (Purple Prose), because this particular trope can be particularly horrible to deal with if the author abuses it. **

* * *

Rigby and Mordecai walked out of the coffee shop a half-hour later and saw something incredible. The cart was no longer damaged. The dents had been banged out, the canopy had been realigned on the medal rods so that it stood above the seats, which had been reupholstered. The broken headlights had been fixed. And it had been waxed.

Sitting on the hood was Jennifer Jasmine Opal Snapplewagon, wait, no, Snappledragon_..._orCrapwagon...or something...

Anyways, Jennifer Jasmine Opal Sagginflaggin sat on the hood of the vehicle, looking at the duo with a mirthful smirk that spoke of her inner playfulness. "I fixed your cart!"

Rigby scampered over to the vehicle and Jennifer. "Wow!"

Mordecai walked over more slowly, his jaw wide open. "How did you do this? It was, like, demolished!"

She slowly pushed her vivaciously colored hair back with her soft, yet rigid, digits. Her emerald eyes, or violet eyes, or crimson eyes, or whatever color I want them to be eyes shone brightly. "I use to help my Dad fix his car when I was little." Jennifer Jasmine Opal Clapthwap's voice was a symphony of melodic notes, tied together to form a conglomerate beauty mere words can't even aspire to describe.

"I thought your dad died," Said Mordecai.

Her intelligent eyes sparkled at the question, taking stock of every minuscule word. "He didn't die until I was five. Before that I learned everything there is to know about mechanical stuff."

Mordecai blinked, trying to process that. He might've dug deeper, had Rigby not been giving him a death glare. "Uh, yeah, okay. So I guess you have to go talk to your landlord then, huh?"

Jennifer Jasmine Opal Ninjaturtle shook her head, allowing the breezy wind to forcefully pull her mane into the air, the wind-blown locks reflecting the heated energy the Sun expended, then spoke, "No, I already spoke to him earlier when I left. Then I came back and fixed your cart."

Mordecai just stared at her, his eyebrow raised so high, it threatened to pop off his head and float away into the distance. "Riiiiight. Well, me and Rigby have to go. See you Monday. And, uh, thanks for fixing our cart."

Mordecai climbed into the driver seat, Rigby coming to sit next to him. He turned the key in the ignition, starting the cart. Jennifer Jasmine Opal Snapdragon(Got it!) watched as Mordecai pulled away, waving at him and Rigby.

Rigby enthusiastically waved back, lifting himself from his seating and leaning on the dash just to make sure Jennifer Jasmine Opal Snapdragon could see him. As soon as they were out of sight of Jennifer Jasmine Opal Snapdragon Rigby turned on Mordecai.

The raccoon frowned and narrowed his eyes. "What's your problem, man!?"

"What?" Mordecai asked.

"Why are you being such a jerk!" Rigby yelled louder.

Mordecai, not even trying to pretend what was happening, asked, "What are you talking about?"

"You treated her like she wasn't our friend! You thanked her as an afterthought!" Rigby seemed rather angry.

"Uh, dude, she isn't our friend. We met her like an hour ago." Mordecai said, his suspension of disbelief threatening to collapse again.

Rigby gasped dramatically. Yeah, Rigby, the immature raccoon, gasped like a little girl. Deal with it. "I can't believe you'd say that. Just because you're in a bad mood doesn't mean you can take it out on Jennifer!"

Mordecai's mind practically collapsed. Rigby, his insensitive(but lovable) friend, was defending a complete stranger against his 'bro.' Mordecai's suspension of disbelief no longer existed, it had instead been replaced by a bar I'm gonna dub, "The amount of What my brain can process." The What amount had been raised like four or five levels.

He shook away his What and said, "What are you talking about? I'm not taking anything out on anyone! I'm just saying, we only met that chick like an hour ago."

"So?" Rigby huffed, his eyes seeping venom. Not literally, of course. That would be gross. Or cool...or maybe both.

"What is up with you today, man?" Mordecai asked. "Are you seriously not seeing what I'm seeing?" He took his eyes off the road to glance at his friend, who looked extremely displeased.

Rigby stared. "All I see is a jealous bird."

Mordecai would've facepalmed, but he didn't want to wreck the cart...again. "Do you even understand what that word means!? Just because I didn't fall in love with this girl the second I met her, I'm jealous?"

Rigby just said, "No, you're just envious of her personality and skill."

"I'm not even going to comment on her 'personality.'" Said Mordecai, seriously wondering if his friend has some sort of degenerative brain disease. "And you don't find the fact she fixed our cart a little weird?"

"She was being nice! She is going to start working with us in a few days and wanted to make a good impression. What's weird about that, huh? What possible problem could you find with that!?" Asked Rigby, speaking as if Mordecai's argument was completely invalid.

Mordecai pulled the cart into the park, driving down the dirt path that led towards the house. "You aren't even a little curious, dude?"

"Curious about what?"

"She had less than half a hour to fix the cart." Mordecai said.

"So?"

"You destroyed the thing! There's no way anyone could fix it that fast. And she didn't just fix the engine, she replaced the headlights and banged the dents out. She even straightened out these metal sticks! You're telling me she did all that, and met with her landlord...in thirty minutes?" The blue jay just looked at his friend incredulously.

Rigby started smirking at his friend, his expression having instantly shifted from an angered one to a knowing one. "I get it now."

Mordecai sighed. "Thank you. So I'm not crazy, you're seeing this stuff too?"

Rigby's smirk intensified. "Oh, I'm seeing something alright."

Mordecai stared at his friend, unable to intuitively understand what he was driving at. "Okay?"

Then Rigby faced away from his friend and _giggled. _Rigby giggled. Yes, he giggled. He didn't snicker, he giggled. "You like her, dontcha?" Rigby poked his friend.

Mordecai just stared at him as he pulled up to the house, "Wait, say what now?" He rubbed the wax out of his ears, just to make sure he heard Rigby correctly.

Rigby giggled again. "You like her! You're not jealous at all!"

"Did you not hear anything I said?" Mordecai asked, his expression denoting sheer disbelief. Oh, wait, I forgot...I got rid of the disbelief system. Okay, just tack on like eleven or twelve Whats to the "The amount of What my brain can process" meter.

Rigby scurried up the steps to the house, laughing all the way. He opened the door and ran inside as Mordecai stared after him.

Mordecai stared forward for a solid minute, trying to figure out what his the raccoon's train of thought had been, then resigned to banging his head against the steering wheel in frustration.

And to top it off the Sun was shining on his eyes...because it's still a dick.


End file.
